"Why isn't Joey watching you?!"

On Thursday night my friend from Iowa (Amber) and I went to Central Market to buy some exotic fruits that grocery stores in Iowa are unlikely to carry. (Starfruit, passion fruit, miniature pinapples, etc.)

The power in Central Market was out because of a huge thunderstorm we'd had, so the few lights that were on were running off a generator, giving the entire store a kind of "can't touch this" feel. Like we weren't really supposed to be there, you know.

At least I kept waiting to get kicked out.

Anyway, since it was so dark we had trouble locating the particular fruit we'd come to find. We wound up having to ask some employee, who took us right to them. (In our defense, the passionfruit was buried under the pomegranates. Seriously, how were we supposed to know we had to pick all the pomegranates up in order to find the passion fruit.)

Amber ran off to another part of the store and I told her I'd wait for her in the fruit area. But I got really bored of looking at fruit in semi-darkness and wandered over to the seafood section. Where the lobsters are. And crabs.

I leaned over their tank and blew on the water to try to rile them up. There were about 50 of them in the tank and some were fighting but most were sleeping. I wanted them to all be fighting.

I happened to glance up and notice a "Do Not Put Hands In Lobster Tank" sign. This was disappointing to me, so I whipped out my cell phone and called The Kid.

"The Kid, I'm here at the grocery store. The sign says not to touch the lobsters but I want to anyway. Should I stick my hand in the tank?"

He sighed heavily. "WHY isn't Joey watching you?"

"He's not here. So can I touch the lobster?"

Pause. "GOSH, fine."

I stuck my hand in the lobster tank and poked the nearest lobster. I squealed (as quietly as possible) and said, "He had a hard shell."

"Where's Joey." The Kid demanded.

"He's somewhere else. Can I touch the crabs too?"

"Not my fault if you get your finger pinched off." He said.

"I superglued three of my fingers together tonight." I said, shaking my wet hand off all over the floor before an employee came and escorted me out of the store.

The Kid sighed again. "Seriously, why doesn't Joey keep a closer eye on you?"

"He was sitting right by me; he helped me peel my fingers apart. I was making a tinfoil sculpture of Trogdor in your honor when we were at Freebirds. Turns out superglue and tinfoil don't mix real well."

I could tell that he was shaking his head all the way up there in Iowa. "Sugarplum, I'm hanging up now. You need that husband to keep a better eye on you."

"Do not. I do just fine."

"OKFINEBYE," he said, in traditional Laird style. I said the same and we hung up our respective cell phones, although I did so with semi-sticky fingers from the leftover superglue.

I watched the lobsters fight for a few more minutes (barely restraining myself from poking any more of them) before deciding I'd better find Amber lest I got kicked out.

And since I really like Central Market, I don't want to get on their naughty list.

The Reason Why The Kid Is Dead Until Further Notice

On Saturday, I received a text message. It came from The Kid's phone, but I could tell by style that it was most definitely not from The Kid.

And so I replied with a, "Where are you and what have you done with The Kid?"

And it was then that I learned that The Kid had been kidnapped and was being held hostage in exchange for 6-12 Pepsi's. I was to deliver said Pepsi's behind Mom and Dad's house at, like 1:00 a.m. on Saturday.

I looked at Joey. I looked at my phone. I texted "I do not negotiate with terrorists."

I received a text back saying that The Kid was dead until further notice. Because of my obstinacy. He's being held by some really major terrorists, it seems.

Just call his voicemail if you're wondering. He's totally dead I guess. Or until further notice. I haven't seen him in a couple months anyway, so who really knows.

Anyway, that's why The Kid is dead until further notice. Hopefully he'll resurrect in time to graduate on Saturday, but there's no telling what those terrorists will do with him.

Slugworth the Slug

We got some chairs for our patio and, while carrying them up to the apartment, Joey noticed a slug on the railing.

"Oh look, a slug," he pointed out.

"WHERE!?" I asked.

He pointed.

I got my face down real close to the slug. He slimed and oozed away from me, so I blew on him. "Can I take him inside?"

"No." Joey said, ever the hard-nosed stickler.

"Maaaaaaaaan!" I whined, looking back at the slug wistfully.

"Jordan found one of those on Saturday and then he poured salt all over it. The slug got all slimy and then blew up like a jelly doughnut."

"COOL!" I yelled, "Can I do that?"

"NO!" Joey repeated.

Half an hour later it was determined (by Rock, Paper, Scissors) that I was to be the one to go get the John Mayer CD out of my car so Joey could put it on the lappy. I was excessively pleased to see that the slug was still on the railing.

I scooped the slug on to the end of my key (that way I wasn't actually touching the slug) and carried him into the house.

I took him directly to the porch (that way he wasn't actually in the house) and tried to find a spot to keep him. I couldn't find one so I picked a leaf off the oak tree that hangs over the balcony and deposited the slug onto the leaf, slime and all.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Joey asked from the living room.

"Nothing really..." I said, getting down on my hands and knees to watch the slug ooze around. It was too dark on the porch to see him at his finest, so I snuck him into the kitchen.

"Did you bring that slug in?" Joey asked from the couch

"Um......yes? I want to take pictures of him and put him on my blog and it's too dark on the porch. He's cool; everyone needs to see him."



Joey sighed one of those I married the craziest girl in the whole world kind of sighs and said, "OK, fine."

I set the leaf and the slug down on my kitchen counter (editor's note: in the house) and took about 8 pictures. I determined that the slug is one of the coolest creatures that God made. (His eyes and antennae ooze around just like the rest of him, they get sucked in and stuck out really far; it's so cool!)

He's out on the balcony sleeping under his leaf right now, I checked on him before I went to bed. I love my slug.

(Joey named him, by the way, so I think he's forgiven me for bringing the slug in the house.)

Lady Looks Like A Dude

I dressed as a dude for the People Search activity.

I dug up an old pair of Joey's jeans, a blue baseball cap and a button down. Unfortunately, the jeans were too long and I knew I'd have to cut them if I was going to be convincing.

He wouldn't let me cut the pair I wanted to wear, but the pair he gave me was actually shorter than the pair I preferred. I cut of 4 1/2 inches so they'd only slightly drag on the floor.

We got ready in a leisurely manner and decided we'd better take pictures of ourselves. Not only for posterity, but we figured that Mom might like to see me lookin' like a dude.

After taking and subsequently uploading the pictures, Joey and I came to the conclusion that I bear a strong resemblance to The Kid. (Not saying that The Kid looks like a lady, just that I looked like a dude.)
I was going for the bored, disinterested, iPod wearing teenager look (sorry The Kid) and I think I got it. I tried to remember to walk like a dude and I figured I was set.

Joey, on the other hand, looks like a funeral director. (Either that or some young punk exec who parts his hair like an old-timey guy.)

I thought his disguise was very ingenious. The dark brown hair and no glasses look really does a lot for him.
Half of the groups wound up locating me, while only one or two found Joey. Most of the kids walked right past him and didn't recognize him, which was pretty awesome. (To be fair, he didn't recognize them either. But then he didn't have glasses on.)

When we all met up at the end to compare disguises, someone said to me, "WOAH! You look like a DUDE!"

Everyone else just couldn't believe that Joey had permanently dyed his hair.

I knew the entire event had been a success. And now I'm going to take a nap.

The Test To See If You Are Allowed To Like Alex

Answer these questions honestly. If you don’t, I’ll come haunt your dreams and throw all your socks in the freezer. As The Keeper Of Alex, I have the right to do this. So there.

1. I often find myself staring at Alex from across the room.
a. Eww, no way!
b. Every single time I can…
c. On the sly, yes. (But don’t tell him.)
d. Maybe. Maybe not.

2. I have met and am familiar with Jenna Woestman.
a. Who’s she?
b. Yes, and she scares me a lot.
c. I don’t like any other girls who are associated with Alex
d. I might have heard the name once or twice.

3. I stare deeply into Alex’s eyes when he is talking to me.
a. Define “stare deeply”…
b. Gross. I hope not.
c. Sometimes, but that’s only because he has a crusty in his eye.
d. Maybe. Maybe not.

4. I am:
a. A guy
b. A girl between the ages of 10-17
c. A girl between the ages of 17-25
d. Your mom’s age (not saying 25 is old…)

5. If cute boys were like animals, Alex would be a(n)…
a. Rhinoceros
b. Triceratops
c. Iguana
d. Lemur

6. I have a new boyfriend every:
a. Day
b. Week
c. Month
d. Year

7. My dad says Alex is…
a. A very fine young man
b. Shady. Very shady.
c. Not someone he is familiar with
d. Too old for me

8. Jenna thinks that I…
a. Wear too much makeup.
b. Am cute and funny.
c. Don’t exist.
d. Need to leave Alex alone.

Scoring…
1. a) 1 pt; b) 4 pts; c) 3 pts; d) 2 pts
2. a) 3 pts; b) 1 pt; c) 4 pts; d) 2 pts
3. a) 4 pts; b) 2 pts; c) 1 pt; d) 3 pts
4. a) 666 pts; b) 3 pts; c) 1 pt; d) 2 pts
5. a) 1 pt; b) 4 pts; c) 2 pts; d) 3 pts
6. a) 4 pts; b) 3 pts; c) 3 pts; d) 1 pt
7. a) 2 pts; b) 3 pts; c) 1 pt; d) 4 pts
8. a.) 3 pts; b)1 pt ; c) 2 pts; d) 4 pts

If you scored 7-9 points, you have a chance, but it’s not a good one

If you scored 10-17 points, you might as well take a hike

If you scored 18-28 points, I have three words for you: “No way, sister.”

If you scored over 666 points, you’re a guy and you shouldn’t even be taking this quiz. Seriously, that’s gross.

Lucky, Lucky Charms

I am a Lucky Charms fan.

When The Kid came last week, he "requested" a box of Lucky Charms for his consumption. I bought the big box because it was cheaper so, as The Kid only ate three bowls, we definitely had extra Lucky Charms after he left. (Mom and Dad did not eat any Lucky Charms as far as I know.)

Joey and I like Lucky Charms too. Actually, back when we were first dating (actually, we may not have technically been dating at that point, the whole beginning part of our relationship is rather ambiguous) and Joey was in Minnesota on his internship, I bought a box of Lucky Charms and picked out every single marshmallow for him.

(I didn't snitch any. It was so hard.)

I packed up the container of marshies and mailed it to him while he was a spending a week as a camp counselor.

Isn't that SO romantic? Awwww.....

But I digress. Here we had this huge, half-eaten box of of Lucky Charms on our counter. I was making dinner tonight and I got bored waiting for it to finish cooking.

"Joey, I'm gonna pick all the marshies out of this box of Lucky Charms, OK?"

"Ooh, OK!"

In five minutes, I had a sorry little pile of marshies (I'd already picked a whole bunch out of the box) that I distributed between two bowls.

"Want some of the cereal in with your marshies?" I asked.

He did, so I put a bit of milk in each bowl and we sat on the couch and ate our sophisticated hors d'oeuvres. They were super tasty.

The Kid Is Spoiled

Due to The Kid's Impending Arrival (oh, and my parents are coming too), I went grocery shopping. I also needed to go grocery shopping because we were out of things like butter, mozzarella cheese and spaghetti sauce.

I called The Kid and said, "What kind of food do you want to eat when you're at my house?"

He gave me a list of pretty much junk food. It included hot dogs, Lucky Charms, and Pop Tarts.

I called my mom and asked, "Do you want me to get anything special from the grocery store?"

She asked for yogurt.

Joey and I headed to the grocery store after finishing our painting project for the evening. The list was full of strange and foreign things, but we determined to succeed.

(But first I did get distracted by the Starbucks clearance display--they had their Valentine's Day tumbler for $5 and it was SO cute and romantic that Joey said I could get it.)

When I grocery shop I try to stay out of the Middle. The Middle is where bad things happen. (Read: the food that makes my jeans too tight.) Joey and I had almost completed our list on the outer sections of Tom Thumb (yes, that's what our grocery store is called here; totally lame, I know) when he asked, "Are we done?"

"No," I replied, "We have to go in the Middle."

Joey feigned horror and we set out to find the Lucky Charms. Once located, we tried to find the Pop Tarts. We had more trouble with this than the average grocery shopper, but we finally prevailed. Joey finagled an extra large box of Brown Sugar Cinnamon just for himself out of me (I know, I'm such a softie) and we set out for the checkout lanes.

After unloading a cart full of foreign items (yogurt?! hot dogs?! Pop Tarts?!? Lucky Charms?!) we sat back to watch the dollar signs grow. Feeling rather conspicuous that we were actually spending more than $50, I felt compelled to say to the woman, "My little brother's coming. We have to buy him lots of snacks."

She looked at me rather indulgently. "Ohhhh....how old is he?"

I looked sideways and said quickly, "Um, like, eighteen."

She gave me a strange look and continued ringing up our groceries. Once we got the Tom Thumb discount, we walked out the store spending just a hair over $50 (including my Starbucks mug, so we didn't do too bad).

I think that lady thinks I'm nuts. (And that The Kid is probably real spoiled. Which he probably is.)

I Think The Kid May Actually Be Famous

After posting about The Kid and all his nicknames, a very unusual thing happened.

I GOT, LIKE, 10 MORE HITS ON MY BLOG THAN NORMAL!!!

I know this sounds piddly, but I normally have around 20 hits a day on this blog. Just posting about The Kid shot it up to 30!

I was thrilled.

Perhaps The Kid actually IS famous and I just didn't know about it? It's hard to tell.

Anyway, props to The Kid for making my hits go up yesterday. Here's to hoping that posting about The Kid again will take me up to 40 hits a day. (I doubt it will. He's not THAT famous...)

The Kid Wants Fame And Fortune

After reading The Kid's comment on my last post ("The Kid Is A Sneak"), it is clear to me that aside from being a sneak, The Kid wants only one other thing: fame and fortune.

He seems to think that I am the person to give him said fame and fortune, too.

Allow me to post his comment here for our general edification and subsequent analysis.

"And the funny thing is... my password is written on a piece of paper on the desk directly in front of you when you sit down at Dad's computer. It says, "Alex ------" I'm not really sure why... I just noticed that yesterday. I think people are probably confused too, because you call me "The Kid," then over on the right you say "Coolyguy's Blog," sometimes you call me "Little Man," and on very rare occassions you use my real name, which I won't grace your blog with it's presence at this moment. You should probably clear all that up for everyone... So what is a stacked bob haircut, anyway?"

First of all, The Kid, a stacked bob haircut is what I have now. But you probably don't know what that looks like since you haven't seen me in ages becaue I live in Texas and you live in Iowa. So come visit. Now.

I'm waiting; why aren't you here yet?!

Second of all, the whole password by Pops' computer does me no good at all since that's up in Iowa and I already tried to strong-arm Pops into telling me your password. He refused. (And he was laughing while he did it, too.)

And third and most important, it is clear that The Kid intends to get his fame and fortune from having this whole business of his multiple nicknames cleared up. On my blog. On the internet. For, like, the entire world to see.

(Because we know that SO many people read this blog...)

To make an excessively long story a little bit shorter, The Kid has always had tons of nicknames. (Well, actually, mostly since I've been in college and gotten weirder by the day.)

Back in 1988, Pops and Mommy named The Kid Alexander Douglas Laird. That was back when he was born and we just called him Alex until he was older and we all knew better.

Some of his earliest nicknames were extremely affectionate. We called him Pukeface, Puker, and The Puke after he threw up for about two days in the Boundary Waters back in 2003. (He pretty much got dehydrated and then started barfing all the time.) It grossed me out a lot and I was kind of a mean sister then, so I started calling him Pukeface. Naturally that ticked of Pops a lot but, unfortunately, the nicknames stuck for about two years.

We began calling The Kid "Little Man" around that same time. We got it Homestar Runner when he says to Homsar "What do you have to say for yourself, little man?"

The Kid was the shortest one of us all then, so it fit pretty well. He is no longer the shortest one of us all; I will not divulge who actually IS the shortest.

Sometime inbetween Little Man and The Kid, Coolguy originated. Not really sure where that came from, the The Kid is pretty much a cool guy.

And...somebody started calling him The Kid, and it's pretty well stuck. We probably said something like, "Hey, where is that weird kid?" and...well, the rest is history.

So there you have it, faithful reader, Alex=Pukeface (et al)=Little Man=Coolguy=The Kid.

No one is allowed to be confused any more, and now The Kid can be happy since he is probably about as famous as he's ever going to be.

The end.