I wrote this story in a hurry for The Kid yesterday. I don't think it's particularly funny, but Joey does and he said I had to post it.

So here you go.

The Greatest Story Ever
by Jenna M. Woestman

Once upon a time there was a cool kid named The Kid. He had a furry white dog code-named Firepower who had recently been shorn. Firepower was a lot like Samson, when he got shorn he lost a lot of his mad skills. But now that his fur was growing back, he was becoming unstoppable again. (He even had a hurricane named after him!)

One day The Kid's sister, named Piglet, came over to play. Piglet brought her main man (read: husband) Fairly Odd and their dog Wimper.

The Kid, Piglet and Fairly Odd went to Wal-mart to buy some explosives for their next caper. They left Firepower and Wimper at home in the care of Cute Mom, who liked Firepower as long as he wasn't jumping up on her or licking in between her toes. (She wouldn't really have much to do with Wimper at all.) The next day was Sunday and Fairly Odd had a real tricksy stunt he wanted to pull at The Kid's church.

The goal was to buy a whole lot of plump and juicy gherkin pickles (the tasty kind like they have at Old Thrashers) and cut the cords off all the lamps in the home lighting section. (This would keep them from actually having to purchase lamps only to wreck them when they cut the cords off.) Piglet was sent to the hardware section to try to find ten-penny nails.

For good measure, Fairly Odd and The Kid also got a lot of baking soda and Diet Coke to shoot off "bottle rockets" from the barn. They figured Super Realtor (aka Dad) might like to join in the melee.

After standing around in the aisles waiting a long time, Piglet was still nowhere to be seen. Fairly Odd and The Kid went to look for her. (They had to lug all their loot over to the hardware section , where they figured she was.) She was standing in the toilet seat aisle and was looking completely lost. Fairly Odd led her to the ten-penny nail section and she picked out 59 nails. The Kid told her to get more since they had a lot of pickles. He reached around her and started dumping handfuls into the bag while she held it.

After checking to make sure the lamp cords were sufficiently hidden from any Wal-Mart employees who might catch them, they left the store.

Back at the lab (a.k.a. the basement of The Kid's lair) they began setting up the glowing pickle lamps. Fairly Odd wanted to replace the light bulbs in the sanctuary with glowing pickles, as well as have some hang from the ceiling. The Kid didn't think Fairly Odd would get into murh, if any, trouble for this since he wasn't a regular attender of the church.

Piglet wasn't much help, she just ate pickles and tried to get Firepower to eat them too.

Wimper slept in the corner where the hamster shavings used to be.

When The Kid went to lock up the church that night, the three of them grabbed Firepower (their good luck charm) and brought him and all their glowing pickles along. They strung them up in the light fixtures and plugged them in to every available outlet. Firepower was very adept at picking the most powerful outlets.

It was decided that Firepower would come to church the next morning and throw the inagural "glowing pickle" switch. If they dressed him up in khakis and a polo, it was unlikely that anyone would recognize him. (Since he was so cool.) They all went home and picked out some clothes for Firepower to wear. Piglet gelled his bangs and sprayed him with cologne. When it was decided that Firepower looked extremely convincing and awesome, everyone went to bed.

Early Sunday morning Firepower woke everyone up with several gigantic licks. He held his leash in his mouth and barked morse-code that translated "Take Me To Coffeesmiths". Since Firepower was the official mascot and good luck charm, it was agreed that they must acquiesce to his demands.

After drinking a lot of coffee and getting the jibblies, the three (and Firepower) headed to church. They released Firepower in the room with the switch they had rigged up, and went to Sunday School.

At the appointed time, Firepower stepped on the switch. Pickles glowed all over the church. People were quite surprised and grossed out at the green, sizzling pickles hanging all over the place. Somehow they had not noticed them before.

Firepower sneakily slunk out of the church and trotted all the way back home where he woke up Wimper and began to beat him up.

The end.