Reasons Why I'm Glad I'm Not Our Downstairs Neighbor

1. Joey chases Henry around the floor by galloping on his hands and knees and makes a big raucous doing it. He probably sounds like some kind of elephant or other large beast to someone down below.

2. I very regularly throw things off the balcony (such as large tree branches that Joey cut off, ash from cleaning the fireplace, etc...) and try to miss their balcony, but I can't always be sure.

3. When I sweep my balcony every day, it winds up in the neighbors balcony down below. I used to feel bad about this until I leaned over mine enough to see in theirs and discovered that, while there's a really large and noticeable line of junk I've swept down (leaves, Henry's fur, Joey's hair, etc...) the neighbors haven't done anything about it. They also have overturned Rubbermaid containers out there so I'm not sure they even go on their balcony.

When considering our downstairs neighbors, though, one must realize several things:

• We have never actually seen the neighbor's face so we're not entirely sure he has one. I did, however, see him carrying a cat in a cat carrier. So we (mostly I) figure he's insane.

• He's behind on his rent a lot. I know this from sneaking over and reading the delinquent notices that the landlords post on his door. (All of you who are shushing me right now, stop it. You'd do it too.) They're sometimes there for several days before he takes them down.

• He's got something in front of his bedroom window that looks vaguely like a headboard. Why someone would put a headboard in front of a window is beyond me. (Another reason why we--mostly I--think he's insane.) Unless, of course, it's to prevent armed robbery or something, in which case I'd just rather put a steel plate in front of my window. Or get a raging pit bull or something. But I'd never sleep in front of the window like that.

So, for many reasons, I'm glad I'm not my downstairs neighbor. He seems real nuts.