Save the Telemarketers

I'm feeling particularly unwitty today.

Being a telemarketer is really a drag sometimes. I feel like it's important for me to give a lesson on appropriate telemarketer etiquette, because most of the country has no clue. So get out those pencils, fair reader, and prepare to take notes.

1.) When a poor, helpless telemarketer comes calling (and they will) you need to know that they don't want to be talking to you either. They have probably just gotten cussed out and are trying very hard not to take it personally. Either that or they're bored out of their gourds because they have nothing to do.

2.) While on the phone with this telemarketer and listening to their schpiel, bear in mind that this poor person, no matter how mild mannered they may be while not at work, MUST rebuttal your, "No, thanks, I'm not interested" at least three times. It does not matter how nice you are when you turn them down, they still have to push. Telemarketers, in general, hate doing this.

3.) In order to save yourself some time, as well as your poor telemarketer, simply
say, "No, thanks, I'm not interested" very politely and then (gasp) hang up the phone. It may be frusterating to get hung up on for the telemarketer, but it's less frusterating than rebuttling three times and still having to take that hit on the statistics that telemarketers guard so closely. It feels better to know that the "NO" on your stat sheet was because the person hung up, and not because you didn't rebuttal well enough.

4.) Do not lie to telemarketers. If they ask for Maryanne and you, being a man, say, "Hi, I'm Maryanne" your telemarketer will not be fooled. It will cause them to be extremely annoyed, and perhaps snap their fragile psyche. Don't mess with that. We also can tell if the person we're asking for is really "not home". Saying, "Uhm....he's....not home" is pretty much a dead giveaway. Nobody is that dumb.

5.) If a telemarketer calls asking for your husband and she happens to be a woman, do NOT assume that she is some mistress you are just now wizing up to. Likely, she is just as uncomfortable that you now are suspicious of your poor guiltless husband. Trust, trust, trust, ladies! When in doubt, assume she's a telemarketer.

6.) Swearing is considered rude, not to mention that it's poor form. Do not do this. It really gains nothing, especially if the customer hangs up after giving the telemarketer an earful.

7.) If you'd really like your telemarketer to stop calling (and we don't blame you a bit) here's how: If they mispronounce your name say, "Nobody by that name lives here" and the telemarketer will term it as a wrong number. Or, simply say the words, "Do not call me again" or, "Take me off your list". You can say this politely. The telemarketer is required to remove you from the list and not to call you back.

Hopefully this has helped you know how to treat these poor beings who are paid to call you and be a bother. Likely, they just took the job because they really needed the money and the company pays well.

Be nice to us!!!