Good morning, class. Today we will be discussing a very important topic: answering machines. Now get out those pens and notebooks to take notes. If I ever hear of any of you violating any of the Seven Deadly Answering Machine Sins...what I do to you won't be pretty. (And I'm not responsible because you've all been warned.) Telemarketers hate, hate, hate corny answering machines. Trust me, this is for your own good!

So, without any further ado, the Seven Deadly Answering Machine Sins.

1.) Singing Like You Can
Holy cow. Why do people think it's cool to write songs and then sing them into their answering machines? It really kills me when people try to sound like rock stars and are doing the Beyonce thing when they really just can't. (I wonder if nobody's ever told them that it makes them sound really, really bad.) Even if you have a decent voice, never sing on your answering machine. It will ruin any talent you may have.
2.) Coaching Young Children To Say The Greeting
Oh my, my. If you have a two year old and they're really good at repeating what you say, don't start thinking it would be cute to have them do your answering machine. It's cute the first time, but it really loses it's luster quite fast. Consider the fact that no one but you can probably understand what your kid is saying anyway, and if you want people to leave messages they should probably know who they're calling. And besides, it's not that cute to hear an adult whispering in the background "Hi, this is" and then the kid saying "Ga, ga ga" into the microphone. Oy.
3.) Playing Music In the Background
OK, Muzak has its place and it's definitely not on your answering machine. Every time I get some big tough guy's answering machine and he's got cheesy jazz in the background, I cringe. Can you say "Ladies' Man" any more clearly? Besides, the ladies he's trying to snag are smart enough to know that it's a red flag for "player". Foiled again.
4.) Having An Automated Greeting
Nothing says "I'm running from the cops" more than an automated answering machine, especially one that just says the phone number and not your name. Maybe it's just me, but seriously, if you have your greeting set up to say "We are not home right now. Please leave a message" in a computer voice, you're probably hiding. (Either from cops or creditors, it doesn't matter much.) Or if you just can't figure out how to record a greeting, I suggest you get out the manual. Otherwise telemarketers are going to think you're running from the cops.
5.) Sounding Like You're a Bad, Tough Guy
This one goes along with playing cheesy music in the background, but not always. I got an answering machine once that was something like, "Yo, yo, representin'. If you be coo, show some love and leave a message at the tone." And so on. Can you say "Wannabe" with me? That's what he sounded like to me...
6.) Leaving Your Cell Number
Alright, kids, this one's pretty basic. Don't put your cell number on your answering machine unless you want to get prank calls frmo telemarketers. Seriously, I'm so tempted to write those numbers down and then start calling them and saying, "Your refrigerator is running" or something dumb like that.
7.) Thinking You're Original and Playing the "Hello" Game
Newsflash--You're not. About 3 million people in America also have answering machines that say "Hello........OH HI! How ARE you?.... I'm sorry, speak up, I can't hear you.....GOTCHA, this is an answering machine. You fell for it." Yeah, it's really not funny. Not after you get them 10 or 20 times a day. There should be a Constitutional Amendment about it or something.

OK, right now I'm talking to a guy in Wisconsin who sounds exactly like Red from the Red Green Show. It's weird.